Getting There
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Set after Fix You. Cal and Ethan have watched someone else's mother die. Cal wants to support Ethan but isn't sure how.


**After reading CBloom2 and charlibear13's brilliant stories based on last week's episode, I wanted to write my own. I hope it's okay. I'm also going to post a new chapter of I Need You.**

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Cal looked down blankly at the banknotes in his hand. An evening out wasn't usually something he'd turn down. Especially not an evening out on Dylan. It was almost unheard of and Cal was aware of the surprised reactions around him, but they seemed a long way away. The pub seemed like a long way away too. Not physically, but it had no place in Cal's world today.

He held out the money blindly, without much idea of who he was offering it to. "You go on ahead. I've got to get changed. I'll see you later."

There was some good-natured banter, which Cal tried his hardest to join in with because he didn't want anyone to see what he was feeling, and finally they were all drifting away, leaving Cal with Ethan.

Ethan was standing behind him, apart from the group as usual. Cal saw the shadows on his face and the sadness in his eyes and wanted to say so much but didn't know where to begin.

"Right," said Ethan, and his voice was energetic enough, but he was holding on tightly to the desk in front of him and his eyes were a little too bright. "The pub."

"You don't want to go to the pub, do you?" said Cal as gently as he could.

Ethan didn't answer for a moment and Cal had the strongest sense that the answer would be no, but then Ethan nodded. "Yes. I'd like to go to the pub."

Cal was startled, but did his best not to show it because Ethan's reaction showed their similarities as well as their differences. Cal was too drained to be able to cope with the pub and the laughter and the pretence it was just another day at the hospital, but Ethan was too upset to go home and spend this evening as he would any other.

"Fine. Great. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be ready to go," said Cal.

He walked away quickly and went off to change. If Ethan wanted to go to the pub, they would go to the pub, but Cal didn't know how he was going to get through it. His chest felt tight and the memories were exploding in his mind: the memories he'd tried so hard to suppress because they hurt so much.

All he wanted was to go home and be with Ethan and maybe finally find some of the words that had been locked inside him for so long, but if Ethan wanted the comfort of their colleagues and a pint, Cal could understand that. It wasn't as though he could be any real support to Ethan. He wasn't strong enough.

Cal sat down, his legs buckling under the weight of his inadequacies and rested his head on his hands. His little brother needed him, but he didn't know what to do. He knew he'd done the right thing today, as both a doctor and as a human being, but when it came to the person who needed him most, he was useless.

"Cal, are you all right?"

Ethan had appeared behind him, silently. He stood in the doorway, his face very white and strained. All Cal wanted was to go and give him a hug and try to squeeze away all the pain he knew was inside his brother, but they weren't in the habit of hugging and in any case, Ethan wanted the pub, not Cal.

"I'm fine," said Cal. "I'm just a bit tired. That's all."

"We don't have to go to the pub if you're tired," said Ethan quickly. As always, he jumped in to protect Cal when he feared his brother couldn't cope. Even now, he was thinking of Cal and wanting to look after him. It probably didn't even occur to him that Cal might want to look after him for a change. It probably didn't occur to him that he could.

Cal's breathing was shallow; he took a moment to control it. He turned slowly and smiled at Ethan; tried to speak reassuringly. He wanted to show Ethan he wasn't hurt by his preference of the pub to Cal's company. The fact that he _was_ hurt didn't matter.

Nothing mattered but Ethan.

"Of course I want to go to the pub," said Cal hollowly. He smiled. It made his face ache. "When don't I want to go to the pub?"

He went towards Ethan and slung a casual arm around his shoulders: the closest he could get to giving him a hug. Ethan was trembling just slightly and Cal could feel the pulse in his neck hammering away. They both walked slowly as though there was no strength left in their bodies.

"We'll take my car," said Cal as they crossed the car park. He felt rather than saw Ethan's answering nod. Cal held the car keys close to his body so Ethan wouldn't see his hand was shaking as he unlocked the door. It took Ethan a couple of attempts to open it and Cal took a half-step towards him, wanting to help but knowing Ethan would rather he pretended he hadn't noticed.

Maybe it was too late for them. Cal had had so many chances to help Ethan. And now, when Ethan needed support so badly, he didn't want Cal to be the one to provide it.

Cal felt tears burning his eyes, but he blinked them away. He couldn't blame Ethan for not wanting his help. Not when you considered all the times he'd been no help at all.

Cal climbed into the driver's seat and rested his arms on the wheel for a moment, peering out into the blackness. He heard a sound from Ethan, a slight drawing of breath, and quickly looked at him. Ethan's face was frozen into a mask of pain. His hands were on his lap, clenched tightly together. Cal wished he could hold Ethan's hand in his and take away some of the pain, or at least share it with him.

Cal looked back at the windscreen as the tears filled his eyes again. There were lights ahead of them, but Cal didn't really see them. He saw a face. The face of someone saying goodbye to him for the last time.

"Cal?" Ethan's voice was choked. He put his hand gently on Cal's arm and Cal hated himself for not having given Ethan even this simple comfort. "Cal… are you okay?"

"Yes, of course," said Cal. He tried to smile, but it didn't work this time. "Don't worry. We'll be at the pub soon. Then you can… be with the others. Talk to them. Whatever you need."

There was a silence, then Ethan's hand slowly fell away from Cal's arm. "Cal, don't you get it?" Ethan's voice caught. He continued after a moment or two, his voice barely audible. "The only person I need to be with is you."

As Cal stared at him, unable to believe that Ethan could want him or need him or rely on him after everything, Ethan began to sob uncontrollably. He turned away from Cal, one hand over his face, whether to hide his tears or muffle his sobs, Cal didn't know.

He put his arm across Ethan's shoulders, hugging him fiercely, and took Ethan's other hand in his own. There was a lump in Cal's throat, but he knew he had to force the words past it somehow. It was the most important thing he'd said to Ethan for a long time. "And I'm here, Ethan. I'll always be here."

He pressed gently on Ethan's shoulder, trying to coax him into a proper hug. Even now, he was afraid Ethan would resist him; that Cal had hurt him too many times to be forgiven, but then Ethan was in his arms and they were both crying, though Cal kept his own tears silent and made himself stop as soon as he could.

"I always wanted to ask you," said Ethan through his tears.

Cal didn't need him to finish that thought. "I'll tell you, Ethan. I'll tell you everything. What she said; how she looked at me; how it felt…" Cal had to stop for a moment. He felt Ethan stroking his back in wordless comfort and took a steadying breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I'm sorry you couldn't ask."

Ethan's arms tightened around Cal. "It was hard for both of us. It still is hard for both of us."

"But we'll get there," said Cal.

"Yes," agreed Ethan, his voice tremulous but not uncertain. "We'll get there, Cal."

It was strange, but when Ethan was holding onto him so trustingly, Cal almost felt strong. And when Ethan stopped crying and still didn't let go, Cal began to believe that maybe he wasn't completely useless all the time after all.


End file.
